What if my mother had given more compliments than insults? Would that have made a difference? Would I have had more self respect? Or would I still have spent my young adult life craving male attention? The need to be wanted, desired.
It was when I turned 13 that I realized I had a gift. I could attract a boy! When puppy fat melted away and a woman’s shape started to show. I got some attention and I liked it. I worked hard on that woman’s body. No food, vomiting and constant exercise really seemed to help. Gymnastics through lunch time, running after school, 100 push ups and 200 sit ups every night. Oh yes, and the 300 extra push ups and sit ups at 2am after that awful dream about being fat and unattractive...forgot about those. But it was all worth it because the best looking boy in school was asking about me. Yes, me! The chubby, pale little girl who’s mother affectionately called a ‘pudding’.
He was 15. Handsome and tall. He was blond with blue eyes and could even sweet talk the female school teachers. Darren wanted me and I would do anything to keep him wanting me. If I didn’t, he would move on to the next poor cow who felt as worthless as I did. I couldn’t have that!
I told my unsuspecting mum that I was sleeping at my best friends house that night. But really, my friend and I were staying at a girls flat. I have no idea how she had a flat to herself at 15 years old. No parents in sight, how lucky was she, right?! Her parents were obviously a lot cooler than mine. I remember wishing that my parents didn’t care what I got up to.
A few days before, I’d stolen condoms from a shop. I was wearing the closest thing to seductive underwear I had. My mother wasn’t in the habit of buying her 13 year old daughter seductive underwear! I was so proud of myself for attracting this young man Darren, and excited that I was actually going to have sex before I turned 14. I mean, everyone else in my year at school sounded so experienced, I didn’t want to be the only virgin in my year, how embarrassing! I tried to remember what my friends had told me about their sexual experiences. I knew it was going to last for several hours and that if I wasn’t on my period, there was no way I could get pregnant!!
A few Bacardi breezers later (bought by our 15 year old friend) and my nerves were still in control of my body. I have to stop shaking before he gets here or he’ll know I’m a virgin for sure! There’s no way he’ll still want me if he finds that out. Oh god, he’s here! We drink and laugh and pretend that this is a normal weekend for us all.
By this time I’m used to Darren’s wondering hands. Always asking me to sneak away from school with him, or to go with him to the boiler room behind the school. I was safe when I had the excuse that we would get caught. But this time, I wasn’t safe, there were no excuses to save me. He led me to a dark bedroom with a bed and clothes all over the floor. Shaking, I lay down on the bed, terrified that he wouldn’t like me! I had to do what he asked. After all he was an experience man and I had to prove that I was good enough for him. I pulled down my underwear and gave him a condom. It was obviously my responsibility to not get pregnant. He put it on and lay on top of me. I was frozen with nerves and had no idea what to expect. Then I felt the pressure down there, pushing and pushing. It was just painful. He looked confused and in pain himself. The pushing continued. “I can’t go in” he said. “Are you sure you’ve had sex before?”. “Yes” I replied. Panic set in, my god he knows I’m a virgin! The pushing and pain finally stopped and I saw the disappointment on his face. That’s when I knew he no longer wanted me. I had failed. I was worthless again. Bleeding and humiliated I cried alone in the bathroom. From then on, my reputation at school was no longer the virgin but the slag who was a crap shag!
We need to educate and care for our easily lead young women. Make them feel cared for and teach them to respect themselves. Teach young women about their bodies and teach them that they always have the right to say no. It is also our responsibility to teach young men to respect women and to be gentlemen. I don’t envy this generation of teenagers going through the struggle of puberty in a time where everyone carries a camera!
A lot more of my poor choices to be revealed.
